Saturday, November 21, 2009

GRIEF.....I'm so there!

I have SERIOUSLY been neglecting this blog! I looked at it today and realized that it's been well over a month since I've posted! UGH!!

Honestly, I've been reading and keeping up with everyone in the blogosphere.....but the storms are raging around here lately. Every time I'd sit down to post, I'd read what I'd written and think " depressing" !! So I'd just delete everything and turn the computer off!

I LOVE blogging! I really do!! I just don't want to sound like a whiney butt, so I keep deleting.

So I've decided to skim over the things going on, and I'm going to develop an "Attitude of Gratitude" from here on out. NO MORE CRY BABIES!!

So here goes......(feel free to click off at any time)

Grief x1

I'm really, I mean REALLY, missing my brother!
As the holiday season approaches it seems to get worse.

In the past month, I've also found out that 2 people very dear to me were diagnosed with late stage 4 cancer!
Can we say "CANCER SUCKS" ? I really want to scream that!!!
Neither one of them has very long to live, but they are fighting with all they have and praying without ceasing!

On the up side....I have been through 1 grief support class with hospice, and am currently in another group for grief through the holidays.

Grief.....what a word with many meanings !

While I am attending this holiday group, I'm also in training.

I feel that God has led me to facilitate a Grief Support Group at our Celebrate Recovery program at church.

I know that it's my responsibility to take the experiences God has carried me through, and use what I've learned to help others! That, in itself is another form of therapy for me.

Grief #2:

I blogged here about our daughter in law and Lyric moving out of our house without BJ.
All of that has changed, and not for the better!
A few weeks ago, I was off work and cleaning the house. I went up to clean the bathroom that BJ was using and smelled theis horrible stench in the hallway. So being the cleaner that I am....I got the Fabreeze and opened BJ's bedroom door to spray. OMG.....I was NOT prepared for what I found! Garbage everywhere! Literally, garbage.....YUCK!! only took a second for me to realize there was a bigger problem going on. There were liquor bottles everywhere. Not just a few beer cans ( which would have been bad enough) but LOADS of empty "hard liquor" bottles. A few full......most empty!
We had no idea! But then could we? We never saw him!

This is awful in itself, but Chuck is an alcoholic! He's been sober for 17 1/2 years :0) but how much disrespect can BJ have by bringing that mess into our home?
Chuck and I talked and prayed and prayed some more, then we decided it was time for BJ to go!
Chuck took the next day off of work, and we were going to tell BJ either we would help him with treatment, or he had to move. His option.
We never got that chance. He never came home! We have not seen him since.
We know that he's ok....we checked. He is evidently living with Catherine and her mom and her brother and Lyric in a very small 2 bedroom house. I really don't think that Catherine has any clue about the drinking. It was not going on 6 weeks ago. Or if it was....he kept it very well hidden.
We've tried to call, text, what ever we can.....but he has our phone numbers blocked!

Now, it's looking like not only will I be without my brother for the holidays, but my kids and grandaughter too. I'm just so broken hearted!

BUT...... I know, without hesitation, that my son is a Child of God and God is in control here!
I just need to have faith! And I do !!!!
I have laid this all down at the feet of Jesus and told him that I can't handle it!
He has assured me that I don't need to......he has it all under control!
Thank you Father!
This is honestly the first time that I think I've been able to lay something down and walk away from it. I do have a peace about this all.

Several years ago (when my Mom had passed away) a dear friend told me the greatest thing!
I cling to it today! She opened her Bible and started reading
"And it came to pass"....."And it came to pass".... "And it came to pass".....THEN SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID......But ya know what????



Anonymous said...

Oh Jacki. You've had so much happen. I'm so sorry.

Robyn said...

Oh Jacki, I'm so sorry I can feel your pain and hope that you can see your way through it. I know this number may be long distance but my Sister in law works for hospice here and i know she would talk to you anytime day or night.
Her name is Gail and her # is 907-394-1162
I have been keeping you in my prayers and will contiune.


Bridget said...

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of that! You have been in my thoughts (been wondering where you've been) and you will now be in my prayers.

Deb said...

Good to "see" you back again Jacki! Don't worry about the time you have not been here..we all understand. It's been a difficult road but the main thing is that you are back now. Take it slow, if you miss posting once in awhile, that's ok. The words will come when you are ready.
Always enjoy reading your blog....

Sara Williams said...

Dear me, what a rough time you are having. You are so right to put your faith in God and your friends words are so right.

As for missing your brother, I can identify that so well. I blogged about poetry and grief today and published a couple of poems which helped me you could check it out at